A BIRTHDAY

birthday

It has been a while since I post something here (although I am still active here and there in Instagram) and there is has been a lot of things that happened during that time. A career change, another wedding celebration, a family vacation for more or less five weeks time, a crisis and a birthday. Yes, I turned 35 last week. 

Approaching my birthday was me having mix feelings. Normally I don't give a SHIRT (trying to be nice with words ha!) about my birthday. I guess as you get older you just stop having the butterflies anymore, except perhaps one of your birthday also was or will be your wedding day. Normally I would feel rather happy and think about how I am going to treat my self that very day. However this time I am really a bit occupied. I have a sick dog back home, probably cancer, 16 hours of flight away from where i currently live right now. I have a sick grandmother (not really grandmother, a sister from my grandfather, but the last one who lives) who may not going to live very much longer. A family issue and a career issue. As a cherry on top there is this thoughts about me getting to the limit of age where I said to my self, this is it. At this age of never. About having children. That happened for some weeks before my birthday and I felt nothing but wrecked, forcing my brain to work non stop and getting a little depressed.

Apart from all of those crisis and thoughts and feeling worried and all, my dear husband and my amazing parents in-law managed to give me a very nice treat of celebrating my birthday in a different city, a city I have always wanted to go to. So there I was, staying for some five days or so. Oh, I got sick for two days during this trip. I guess lots of nights of staying awake worries and sometime crying had taken it's toll.  

So a week after my birthday I am sitting here and writing this, eating something with chopsticks ,not because I feel fancy, only so I won't make a mess with my keyboard, being alone in a beautiful home, still with mix feelings. All those issues that I have since few weeks ago are still there. They are not pretty much going anywhere. I am still sad. And worried. I am still angry. And confused. But apart from those feelings I still can manage to feel thankful, loved and blessed. 

I have to admit I have not been growing up the easy way. I had problems. But problems coming all at once, problems that are occur in few most important aspects of your life, is something new to me. But I guess perhaps this is why I have it now. Perhaps that is the perks of being 35. Perhaps it happens because I know I will be strong enough to take it. 

Looking back and looking down I feel a bit ashamed of my self for letting my self get too much carried away with all my issues. No I did not feel like the most unfortunate girl in the world, hell no. But since this happened I affected so many people with my bad mood. I drove my husband partly crazy. Make my family worried. But most if it, I have not been good to my self. I tried to do what I can even now still am doing it, with so minimum results I started to punish my self. I was in denial. I started feeling so angry to people who actually try to help me there so far away, but seemed to manage to not doing exactly what I hoped for. I feel so worried I started to play a better scenario in my head. If only I can do this. If only they can do that. I don't sleep at night. I am not productive. I ate craps, I ate a lot of cakes and cookies, which made me feel better for a while, but now I see my self in the mirror and I am hatin'. (Only manage to go one time to the gym). But I have really wasted my days, almost a month, being worried and punishing my self more than I should, forgetting that for this past month,everyday, life is still there. And it is just slipping and not coming back. Life that I should have make a better use of, instead of being a little depressive BICH who is making other people's life miserable. 

Sure, this dog is really more than a dog to me. I once chose him over a boyfriend. Crazy enough, there were times a long time ago when there was nobody, nobody except him who was there for me. So you see..difficult. But then again. He gave me 11 amazing years. 11. Some other people do not have the luxury as they lost their beloved on much younger years. Sure, if my grandmother dies, it will leave me so much regrets because I wish I can do something better for her during her lively years. We were not so close. The last time I visited her was two years ago. Sure, family issues sucks. Sure, career issues when you are 35 also sucks. And sure, the question about weather you are going to have children or not is a mystery that you can only answer. Sucks. Not being able to know what will happen. 

But there are so many people out there who struggle with much more harder problems than me right now. Far too many to mention. So that is why I decided to write this post. Not to brag about my issues. But I have come to realise that I am perhaps not the only one right now who is feeling this way or even worse.  

I know from experience first hand how easy it can for us to get carried away with our problems. Life seemed not interesting anymore. It is so hard to face daily basis when you have something or more things in your head which sucks up your energy and thoughts. Especially if you are like me, who always focus more of solving problems, and you are currently in no power of making a difference to your problems even after you have done so much, that is then only leave you with a small worry, then the worry gets bigger, problems seemed to be so much more complicated, and then without you know it you are already in a black hole, like I was.

However this is exactly the time that you should gear up. I don't know how long my problems or your problems will last, or how we are going to fix it. How long those questions will be answered, and how are we going to cope with fear if what we are afraid of turned out to happen. I also know that we all wants everything in our life to be exactly how we wanted it. That everything or everybody that we cared about will always be fine. But sadly this is something that I also now have to accept, more than ever, that it is not always like that.

I am more sure of two things now. First. You will be strong enough to take whatever SHIRTS that is been dropped to your life, only if you want to be. No matter how impossible it seemed at first. Second. Acceptance. I am on the way of mastering it. Do the same. You will know what I mean. 

So for everyone our there right now who are now having ordeals, I am better but I am still struggling my self. I am here with you. I am 35 years old. Heck I don't know if I am a better person or how my life is going to be. But I do know this: 

DO.NOT.GIVE.UP.

 

Love, 

Your E