In a better place - A new year flashback

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something.

- Neil Gaiman

It is almost the time of the year to welcome winter again. I said almost, because here in the country where I live, winter seemed hesitant. Either I have gotten used to the temperature, or sun just kept shining more. Either way, it was not, until some days ago, that we are blessed with thick snow and temperature that made you have rosy cheek without the need of applying blush-on. 

Christmas and New Year were behind. I had an amazing five days of family affairs. Come to think of it, it was a luxury. Not often we can hang out for days, all of us. It was definitely the nicest way to approach the end of 2015. On top of it, was a fine private dinner at home just for two on New Year's Eve. End of the Year has always been the time when I - want or not - automatically have flashbacks. It is amazing how time flies. It was not long ago, when we created resolutions. Was not long ago, when my dog died. But when you were back to reality you realised, it was indeed a year ago. 

I started 2015 with sorrows and doubts. I lost my grandma. She was not really my grandma. She was the last sister of my late grandfather, but for me she was like my grandma, although I did not see her that often. I also lost a dog, and no, he was not just a dog. He was my first big responsibility and he stayed with me when nobody ever was. Damn, I even broke up with someone just because this person does not like my dog. Not to mention that I did try everything I could to buy my sister's house, because I thought my dog needed a permanent place to stay. So no, he was not JUST a dog. For eleven good years, he was my companion. The last two and a half years before he died in a home I bought and build also for him, he had been staying with my parents in the same house, as I has been moving here, for love. It was one of the most difficult decision I have ever have to make. I decided that he needed to be happy. After all, he grew up with my parents as well. He was old. And having constant companies everyday on his last years at his own home, instead of being alone most of the time in an apartment in another country, made me feel like I have made the right decision. 

Anyways with his old age comes cancer and arthritis. And he died peacefully two months after he was diagnosed. I was broken hearted, but relieved. After months of not being able to sleep properly, full of worries and tears, I can finally assured he was no longer in pain. Few weeks after, my grandma followed. So you know, I was run out of tears. Also relieved, that she was not in pain anymore. 

When I thought things couldn't get any worse, in January, I lost my job. Nothing in particular. They just said I did not fit. It was a slap on the face, of course. And like a child I cried so much that my good manager, out of pity, decided to send me home. I was in denial for weeks. I did not know what I did wrong. I worked my ass off. I came up with solutions to do some crucial tasks easier. So why?

Anyways, I also did not know why I cried that much on the day they let me go. Perhaps because I hated my self. Realising that I indeed, voluntarily, decided not to go home to see my dying grandma and my dying dog because of this job, Because I was so worried that I will loose this job. We were tight on money, but my good husband was even telling me to go home. And I refuse. Because of the money, because of the job, or perhaps because I was not brave enough to deal with the lost directly. 

For a month I felt useless, stupid, ungrateful and incompetent. The sorrow also never left. It felt like the most horrible times. And it was just the beginning of the year. So I was wondering what might lies ahead. 

Fast forward a year later, you might wondering how things are. Actually, things are good. In late February I got an office job that enable me to use my brain, earn more money and give me more flexibility. I went back to my home country to spend an amazing five weeks with my parents and nieces and my closest friends. I moved out from an apartment to a bigger house with small garden with big trees in front of a river. Altogether, I am in a better place.

I learned it the hard way how to really sort your priorities. I learned the hard way that times will not come back. That all those cliches saying that you need to cherish everyday with those you love, actually are true. 

Am I still sad? Sometimes. But I am moving on. How? I learned to pick my self up over time. Have faith. Be thankful. Focus on what matters. Leave the rest. But most importantly, I learned to forgive my self. 

Happy New Year. Stay loved.