As somebody who embraces life a little bit too intensively because the heart works more than the brain, being 'vulnerable', which means that the brain is not functioning as it should, does happen from time to time.

It typically starts with little rebellions here and there. A slight feeling of being unsharp. 
Humor slowly gets dry without the funny side. The lower level of sarcasm. The lack of ability to recognize the ironic. Increasing level of lassitude.

The brain is on the verge of madness, asking for alone time. For a couple of weeks by now, the heart has been doing anything it can to ignore these protests. Since earlier this week, however, it has been inevitable. 
It has been a scary evolution, and these two has rarely been in a situation when both are content with each other. Just like today.

It was almost six in the early evening, and the two couldn't agree on what to do. The brain, getting all excited to get to work again finally, still love to have some alone time. The heart didn't want to party. After all, it's mood tonight was super romantic, more to the cheesy side. Alcohol and bunch of people wouldn't suit the picture. But it also didn't want the brain to take over again for at least this weekend night, so partying sounded so much better. 
A little after six, after seeking help from a sharper brain, the heart won. A little before seven, I grabbed the key, opened the door.

Shortly before nine, I woke up, unaware of my surroundings at first, and realized that I have fallen asleep, complete with everything I was wearing for the party. The beautiful dress, the fancy heels, the - not so wavy- hair I did for half an hour, the intact makeup. After a big sigh and a weird sounded laughs, I got up.

Hearing my heels making a soft stomping sound one after another like unfinished jazz rhythms, I went downstairs. Fix a quick dinner, pour a glass of wine, and after being sweetly informed that outside was madness, decided to sit on the terrace. 
Shortly after, the rain came with thunder, and suddenly everything was black.

It's now shortly after three in the morning, and the electricity, the internet and everything else just went back on. 
For almost four hours when I was disconnected from the world, I spent nearly fifteen minutes swearing at my dead computer and phone. Reminiscing my modeling days by treating my hallway as a catwalk, walked back and forth and occasionally bow. Grabbed the guitar and re-playing this song I composed when I was in university. I scanned my Porter magazine using a torch, stared blankly out the window. I read a couple of pages of a sci-fi novel, ate a couple of pears, then finally sit on the floor, put the heels away, and meditate. The brain was happy. The heart felt absolute ecstasy.

Sometimes, your subconscious becomes this little bitch that tells you, tricks you into doing something you ought to do while being fucking subtle doing it. To give in, to face the demon. Dance with the dark, being brave. 
To embrace being vulnerable. To find yourself.

So.. here is to us and all the silly things we do. To moments, victory and pain. 
Here is to live. 
And here is to you, my beautiful nerd whom I retardedly - consciously miss back then and tonight. I love you.


Germany, August 2017

Ivone EvelineComment